My Depression

I don't know why, but for the last three to four weeks, my depression really has gotten the best of me. And it is bothering me that i give into it. I have been doing so good for years, and now all of a sudden, bang right in the head! For the record, I am bi-polar with anxiety disorder and PTSD.

The problem is not when I am around people, when I am out and with people I am great. But when i am home alone. I start to isolate and don't want to do anything except read and sleep. TV even bores me! And I don't want to start isolating again, it is the worse thing I can do. i am hoping the change in meds will help, just got changed today, but it worries me.

I need to learn how to force myself to do things. Force myself to get out of the house and not isolate! To not let my inner thoughts control me! This is the first thing I have written in over two weeks. I love writing, but just can't bring myself to do it.

But I am not a quitter, I am strong, and I will not let this win over me! I will survive! Just please friends, bare with me.

June 28, 2012

Well, I am on my regular schedule. This is my journal for Thursday. It was a pretty quiet day, but I did get some cleaning and reading accomplished. So I am happy with myself!!! Started tearing apart my living room bookcases and desk drawers to sort out and decide what I need to save and what i can throw out.
I am keeping everything from school, texts, papers, records, etc in one of the book cases. All my reading and computer stuff on the computer desk. Since my desktop no longer works, I am going to dismantle it and hook up my old commodore 128d. Yeah, I know I am a geek! But I still have so much software and it was so much fun!!! And I know I can get more! Hopefully I will find my favorite C128 game. Leather Goddess of Phobos! The first BDSM computer game ever, and I think the last! Commodore was so open minded!! 
I also got a lot of reading done, as I read the entire first book in the Hunger games series and started on the the first of the "50 shades of grey" series. 
But for now I am off to bed, need rest for Saturday night. I am so scared about Saturday, it is my 40th high school reunion, actually my 42nd. But they are calling it the 40th. It is my only one I ever attended, as a male or a female. So I am very nervous about how my "transition" is going to be accepted. Will I be accepted or will I be shunned and made fun of. I am so scared!!!
So I need sleep. Be back tomorrow night, live from the society!

Angels or devils

Angels or Devils (based on characters from a movie and an memoir)


Which are we meant to be? Was Batman and the Joker born into good or evil, or did their environment and upbringing make them that way. Some theorists say that we are born one way of another, and nothing will change you. While others say we are born with inherent qualities of both, and our upbringing ultimately makes us who we are.
A third theory is a combination of birth (nature,) environment and upbringing, (nurture,) and personal choice. From everything I have read, and my own experience in life, I tend to agree with this train of thought. By looking at characters from the film “City of God”, and the memoir “Child of the Dark,” we can examine this last theory.  Let’s look at some of the main characters from the two; Lil Ze, Rocket, and Carolina. All three were born into the same type of neighborhood of Brazil, the favela.  We do not see or learn much about their parents, but can only assume they grew up in the same environment or neighborhood. They all faced the same hardships, and environment. The main difference between them was the final outcome of their lives. Lil Ze turned out to be pure evil incarnate, whereas Rocket and Carolina were able to rise about their environment and move on to a better life.


Lil Ze began his plunge into the dark side when he hung with a trio of gangsters. He advises the trio on how to make more money, and pretty much seals his fate by riding along with them on that fateful night. When he commits his first murder and uses a gun for the first time, the devil within him is released and there is no turning back. He seems to have an innately born thug mentality, that he cannot ignore, nor does he choose to. He sees what he wants and he takes it. For example, he is attracted to a beautiful girl. When she ignores his advances, he embarrasses her boyfriend and almost kills him. His passion was discovered when he picks up a gun and kills for the very first time. As for motivation, Lil Ze is motivated purely by power, pure and simple. He wanted to be in total control, no matter what it took. He tried taking control, the only way he knew how, by killing off his completion, one at a time. In the end he ended up being dealt with the same way he dealt with his enemies. 
Rocket began his journey as the brother of one of the trio that Lil Ze befriended. However, thanks to his brother, he has drive and ambition, which he follows rather than traveling down his brother’s path. Unlike Lil Ze, who has a passion for guns and violence, Rocket discovers his passion when he is given a camera. This gift changes his life for the better. Lil Ze even notices his passion when his pictures are published in the paper. He then tries to use him to help promote him and his gang. Rocket had many opportunities to turn to the dark side, like when he almost robbed the restaurant or the man who gave him a ride. But he stayed on the straight and narrow.  His motivations were twofold, besides survival, he wanted to lift himself out of the favela. This was the exact opposite of Lil Ze, who wanted to control and have power over the favela. He was also motivated by fear, the fear of being shot like his brother, as well as the fear of ending up a poor fisherman, like his father.


Carolina started out in the same type favela, but maybe because of her age, went down a totally different path. Of the three, she is the one I have the most respect for. I also see a lot of her in me and my life. Carolina could have travelled down the same path as a lot of the women in her town, but she chose not to. She did what she had to do with selling herself or being with a man she did not love. She also had a powerful passion, the passion for writing. She used it to get a temporary escape from her environment and a relief from her stressful existence. In a way her passion for writing kept her sane. But she had the strongest motivation of all of them….her children and her love for them. Everything she did, she did for them. All of her choices and decisions were made with them in mind. They were her entire motivation for living. 


This brings us back to the beginning question, were we born angels or demons, good or evil. Does our environment make us who we are, or do we choose our own destiny. We have three separate characters, all from the same environment, but all three have different outcomes in life. Which makes me wonder if there is a correct answer to the question of nature vs. nurture? Or is it a mixture all nature, nurture and personal choice. Like Anakin, Lil Ze chooses the path towards the dark side, and became the favela version of Darth Vader; whereas Rocket and Carolina moved in the opposite direction and lifted their lives out of the gutter.  


So choice does make a big part in how we turn out, I am a good example of this. I almost went down the same road as Lil Ze; I got involved with drugs and prostitution and almost ended up dead like him.  But a very rude awakening shocked me out of it and forced me to make a big decision turned my life in the direction of Carolina. This is the reason I have so much respect for her, as she reminds me so much of myself.  Like her, my passion has turned out to be writing, and my motivation is to help others get the help, I could not get when I needed it.

The best of times, the worst of times!

Well, to quote Dickens, this weekend was "the best of times and the worse of times!" I was hoping to make it to the Society before the rain came down, as it was supposed to come down real hard. And it did, two really bad thunderstorms!!! Fortunately I did not have to take the bus, as my friend called and gave me a ride to the Society. We left after the two rain storms, and it was sunny and warm when we got there. I unlocked the door, walked down the hallway to turn off the alarm and as I did, I found myself ankle deep in water. I flipped on the lights and freaked out, 90% of the space was covered in at least one to two inches of watch!


I walked over to the landlord, he had already left! So I called one of the board members, and let him know what was going on. I then posted on Fet that we needed help getting the space cleaned up and dried, so we could open. I was really happy, when we had over twenty people show up between Friday night and Saturday during the day! By 7pm Saturday the space was in good enough shape to open and it turned out to be a fun exciting night!


It was one of my best friend's birthday and I made sure she had the best birthday she could have! She was very happy when she left, and I was happy for her! She is a good friend, whom I love and will always be there for.


Sunday, was my picnic for MAsT:Hartford, and we had a good turnout and a lot of fun and good food! I am so glad I started the group, and even happier that I have a friend in my co-facilitator to help run it.!


I also think I found someone to share a room with for Floating World! I hope my new friend subgirl, gets to come to FW with me, we will have lots of fun!!! It will be strange without LP, but I am still going to have a great time!!!


So Yesterday was spend cleaning my living room and kitchen and tomorrow I will start on closets and drawers. Lots of stuff to sort out and throw out. Real nervous about doing it. I hate throwing things out, I really do!!


But I have to!! Or I will never get my Mistress back, nor will I improve my life, which is more important than getting back my Mistress. If I do not love myself and care for myself, nobody else will. 


So for now, I am off to cook supper, will be back tomorrow. And I will have another short story for you!

Marie's Birthday Part Deux

Part Two
I lie back on the bed, and closed my eyes.  I began to cry, cry so hard that my body was shaking. My Mistress scared me, as I had never seen her that angry before.  The sad part was that I could not fathom why! What did I do wrong? And why don’t I remember what happened the night before. It is not that the entire night was a blank, as part of the evening was still in my mind. My best friend Kat offered to take me out for dinner and a drink. Mistress gave me permission, with the understanding that it was to be a “vanilla” evening only, that I was not allowed to play. She also reminded me that I was still on orgasm restriction. As long as I understood all of this, I could go out and enjoy a birthday celebration with my friends.
As I lie there trying to remember, I began to doze off. Thank God, I did not go into a deep sleep, as I heard my cell phone ring with Mistresses ringtone. I picked it up as it rang for the third time, and heard “I said, by the second ring, do you understand English Slut? Or do I have to beat it into you with the paddle you love so much!” From the sarcasm in her voice, automatically I knew she was talking about the leather paddle with the metal spikes. It also emitted electric shocks when she pressed the red button on the side. When Mistress collared me, four years ago, she was kind enough to allow me to pick one of her toys that would not be used on me. That is unless I was being punished. I quickly answered, “No Mistress, Please don’t I promise to answer faster next time!
“We shall see my slut, we shall see! In the meantime, have you remembered what you did to make me so angry?”
“I am sorry Mistress, But I have not, although I am racking my brain trying to figure it out, honest.”
“If you can remember anything, you will be allowed some supper. If not, you will go to sleep hungry! Can you tell me anything about last night?”
“The last thing I remember Mistress, is going out to Umi’s with Kat for dinner. It was her, Julie, and a friend of Julie’s. I cannot remember her name. We sat at the bar with the conveyor belt and ordered a bottle of Sake. The sushi was extraordinary, and we were having good conversation learning about Julie’s new job. Julie suggested we stick around for the Karaoke night that the restaurant had started. Sounded like fun, and we ordered another bottle of sake.”
The last thing I remember is getting up and singing Cher’s song Believe. As I sat down, Kat suggested that we head over to the Gold club and see some dancers. After we got there, I don’t remember much else other than ordering a Bombay Sapphire martini. The rest of the night is a complete blank Mistress.
That is a good start my slut! I will have Ginger bring you in some supper and then get some sleep and try to remember some more about last night. I will call you again in the morning. And be advised, if you do not answer by the second ring, I will hang up and when I see you next, you will get two whacks from your favorite paddle. Now eat and then get some sleep!
Then the phone went dead, and the door opened and Ginger came in and placed a tray in front of me and left. I was not hungry, but forced myself to eat anyways. I fell back on the bed and instantly fell asleep.

To be continued!

First of of daily writings!

Well, Yesterday was the first day of my new schedule, and I already messed up! Of my assignments for yesterday, I got nearly all of them done, except writing my daily journal. But I did get cleaning done! But was so tired afterwards, I fell right to sleep. I do feel good about beginning to work on the apartment. It needs a complete overhaul. It is going to take a while, but I am not going to give up until the whole place is in tip top shape! I am going to stop hiding behind the clutter and make this an apartment I am proud to bring people to! One that won't make me depressed to come home to!

Today, however, I am unable to get any cleaning done, My air conditioning is not working properly, and it is like 110 in here. I have already taken 6 showers since I got up this morning! For some reason, it keeps freezing up! Will have a friend look at it, can't afford a new one so hope this is fixable!!

So I am tired, hot and cranky, so what can I do? I know I am going to kill zombies on Left4Dead 2! I will be back later with a new story to post.

Oh yeah, the good news, My school published it's dean's list today! I am on it!!! I am so proud of the work I am doing! I am happy at my school, going there is the best thing I could ever do!

So until tonite! Have a great day!!!

Marie's 33rd Birthday

As Marie woke up, all nice and comfy under her large burgundy quilt made of silk, she sensed something was not right. However, she could not place her finger on exactly what it was. She opened her eyes, and looked around, nothing seemed to be amiss. Everything was in its proper place, or was it. Marie had other things on her mind, however, as she went to get out of bed and head to the bathroom. She had been out late the night before, the beginning of her birthday weekend. She had a lot to drink, and her bladder was super full and needed release. As she threw off her covers and stepped out of the bed, she again sensed something was wrong! No further than ten steps away from the bed, something tightened on her ankles pulling her legs from under her beautiful athletic body causing her to fall forward smashing her head into a metal commode that was sitting near the side of her bed. Intense pain flooded her head and ankles; she didn’t know what hurt more. WTF was happening? Where did the commode come from, it was not there last night! But then again, she did not remember much from the night before, at least not much after her dinner with her friend Joy.


Her cell phone rang, and she saw it was joy, She answered and quickly snapped “WTF do you want?” When her friend responded, she realized it was not her, especially after she heard the words “Morning Slut, I hope you slept well, because you have a long hard weekend ahead of you.” Marie stood up and her angry mood quickly changed from one of anger to one of complete submission, submission to a woman she truly loved. She put the phone close to her ears and said “Good Morning Mistress?”


“Don’t Good morning me, because I am fucking displeased with you!?


Marie tried to think about what she had done to make Mistress this unhappy, but could not think of anything. She asked, “what did I do wrong Mistress, please tell me? “The phone was silent, so she repeated the questions. But as she did, she was briskly cut off, and she heard her Mistress’s voice saying “well I was planning on taking you out today, to do some shopping and have dinner at your favorite restaurant in honor of your 33rd birthday. But seeing as you don’t even know why I am upset, you will spend some time in your room thinking about what you did wrong, when you figure it out; we will work out a suitable punishment. Oh, and you will do nothing turning this time but think! No Tv, radio, laptop or internet. The only phone calls you will take are from me, and when I call you better answer within two rings, IS THAT CLEAR MY SLUT!”


I lowered my voice and answered “As you wish Mistress” As I responded, fear took over my thoughts, “what if a fire broke out or something happened, I would be alone and chained to my bed.” But Mistress responded to these thoughts before I could express them. “Don’t worry slut, you will not be alone, I have someone in the living room watching you on a camera I placed there last night.


Now rest, and think, and I will call you back in two hours. And think long and hard because when I call, I want some answers and I hope you realize what you did to make me this unhappy!” The phone went dead, and I was alone in bed with my thoughts.


To Be Continued.

This past two weeks have been enlightening. I have been sick, so while lying in bed, i got to do a lot of thinking. About me, my life,  my friends, and my future. I had a lot of inner discussions with my self, and realized where I made my mistakes. I realized where I need to make changes, it is how these changes will be made is what I am working on now. I need a strict training! So, It may sound strange. But I am going to be my own mistress, I am putting myself on a strict schedule, (It is on my Google Calendar which my two best friends  have access to.) 
I am giving myself assignments and deadlines. If I fail, I do not allow my self to play while at the space. If I succeed, I will give myself a reward, either a movie or sushi lunch or who knows. 
Tomorrow is my last day of relaxation, as the schedule starts on Tuesday morning. 
I have cleaning, writing and other assignments on my list of assignments. I just wish I had someone to throw in extra assignments every so often to see if I can figure out how to handle them, how to fit them in without ignoring other assignments. To be able to get them all done in a timely manner. 
I need to be able to handle what is thrown my way and prove I am capable of being the slave I truly am, and one that I can be proud of. It will take time, and when I do I hope  will I will get  another chance at being a slave to my best friend in the whole world!
As for my daily food diary I used to do, I think I may start that as well, as it will help me stick to a good dietetic regiment! I will start that next week, as I want to take things one day at a time!
So for now, I am off to watch some movies, and kill some zombies and then off to sleep!

The Story of Katarina

The cold night rain trailed down her pale cheeks, creating the effect of the tears she so desperately wished she had the ability to release. Raven-colored strands of hair hung limply down her back, plastered to her skin as the light drizzle turned suddenly into a downpour. Ice-blue eyes stared into the depths of golden-brown, simply waiting. The last remnants of scarlet faded away from the edges of the iris of her own empty gaze, but it seemed to have fled to the body lying prone on the ground at her feet. Slowly, as if torturing her with the knowledge of what she'd done, the blood-red color of Thirst overtook the lovely golden-brown eyes of the young woman. One of her elegant, pale hands came up to touch her lips. They were still covered in the blood she had taken. A sound of pained grunting brought her attention back to the ground. The woman had awakened. Her appearance, however, had altered. Now, stark-white hair and a red-hued gaze stared back at her. She rose from the ground and stood before me. She bowed her head and spoke a single word. That single word which sealed the fate she had foolishly walked into. A fate she had purposefully been avoiding all these centuries. "Mistress."


This was a word which she never expected to be called, but remembered using on someone special many years ago. They say once a vampire turns you the life is blissful, I want to know who thought that this statement was true.. I was turned when the bodies of your victims could be left in the open and people were afraid to ask questions. I was turned the same year that the prostitute murderer by the name of Jack the Ripper began her reign of terror.


I can remember walking the streets wondering “am I next, will he find me and kill me”, no instead it was a vampire. I remember her following me into a dark alley, her clothing much more beautiful than my own. She was short in stature and very catlike, and strong, and she cornered me; she pulled her coin purse from her skirt and threw money on the ground. When I leaned down to pick it up she grabbed me by the throat and stood me up right. Her strength was much more than I expected, and before I could get a word out she bit into my neck and left me for dead. I woke in an infirmary the next morning; I felt as if death came for me and left me to suffer. I lay on the bed wishing the pain would go away and just let me die. That morning was the last time I would ever see the morning light. That night after the lights were dimmed and all of the patients were medicated, she came to me once more. Her voice was as soothing as a mother calming her child, “are you ready my darling pet?" I nodded my head and tried to relieve my dry throat; she bit deep into my neck and drained me within an inch of my life. She bit her wrist and let the blood trickle into my mouth, my ties to the mortal world left me the same time my heart beat did.


I looked around the infirmary as she stood to leave, “come my dear, the world awaits." I stood and followed her out the door, none of the nurses seemed to care that I was leaving. Her accent was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, she showed me her favorite places to hunt and her favorite places to hide. This woman was the mistress in my eyes, not once in the next thirty years did she ever make another vampire. Her main focus was me; I was her child & I was to remain in the body of a nineteen year old for all eternity. My hair never grew it remained long, as the styles changed in the world so did our styles. Mistress was the best at keeping with the fashions; her favorite game was to court the older gentlemen then bleed them for every penny. She told me this is how we can afford our beautiful things; men pay for them and we wear them. But men bored me, I wanted excitement that only another woman could provide which brings me full circle to the night I became Sara’s Mistress. And that will be another story……

Tired, but hopefull

I know it has been a while since I have written, but it is about time that I did. I have been trying to get my head together since I was released by Mistress. I have been trying to stay positive, but it has been hard. When I am at the Space it is not bad, but when I am alone, it is a different story. I get so depressed and don't even want to get out of bed or go out of the house. What makes it worse is I no longer have a one on one therapist, so can not discuss especially in group. Would be TMI and most of them would not understand or freak out. 


So I keep most of it to myself and it makes my depression worse. But I made a decision today, I have to be strong! I can get through this! I will prove that I can be the strong independent slave that she wants me to be.


But I am not doing this for her! I am doing it for me, to be the beautiful strong lady that I transitioned into. One I can be proud of!!! So I am starting a strict schedule as of Monday morning, and I am not going to stray from it. I will post the link here in my blog as soon as I finish setting bit up. The schedule will help me work on my time management skills, which really needs improvement. I need to be able to do all assignments, whether they be personal, from school or from a friend, or when I get one, a mistress. And I need to be able to plan my time so I complete them all in a timely manner! 


And my first assignment is to write in this blog every night before bedtime. To put in words, my feelings, thoughts, and plans. It will be a big help to go back to my days of DBT. So this is the first of my daily journals. I will also occasionally throw in a short story. My first one will be entered shortly.


So until tomorrow, Ciao!

First Weekend of Freedom.

Wow, the weekend was better than I expected, it went by fast and about to impart on my last week of school and final homework assignments. I have two essays and a PowerPoint left to accomplish.  I handled things better yesterday than I thought I would. A very good friend brought me grocery shopping, and then home from the space. I got a lot of my homework accomplished. But when I was done, and looked around the apartment, and wondered what to do. Realized I no longer had any restrictions on what I could do. I actually realized that when I was grocery shopping. I was going through the isles and saw something tasty or sweet and my mind would go. "OOH, I can have that now!" But my mind would say, "but is it good for you, and do you really need it?" In all except one case, it proved to be a want and not a need. I could not go back to my old habits, I had made positive changes in my life. How many of the other changes I made in my life would still stay the same? Well, I did break down and watch TV for the first time in a very long time, and did realize while I miss certain shows, I didn't really miss TV itself. 


Again last night, however, i did not get much sleep. My mind and thoughts were too restless to get any real rest. I am mentally tired right now. I need some rest, but have homework to do and a group therapy appointment to go to, I missed it last week. I an tired, but I am trying to remain positive. I was pretty able to do this until I went into my laptop bag to get my flash-drive and found my collar with the tag of ownership still attached. 


For the first time since I chatted with her on Saturday, I broke down and let my emotions out, I lied down on my bed and could not stop crying. I don't cry, I usually can not cry. But this time, it was an uncontrollable and unexpected outbreak. And it scared me, more than I had been scared in a long time. My dog realized something was wrong and came up and put her head on my chest and slowly licked the tears off my face. I calmed down, and actually slept for an hour. 


So, now I am off to my group therapy and then back for more homework. So until tonite, have a great and powerful day!


A Purple Butterfly

Why?

Why Am I doing a blog you may ask. The reason is simple, for the past four years, I have been writing a daily journal for my Mistress, yes don't look so shocked, I am an owned slave, or at least I was until yesterday morning. I was released by her yesterday morning, because I was not living up to her expectations. I am hurt and angry, but not at her, at myself for not doing what I am capable of doing. Not performing up to my level of competences. I am a strong smart beautiful woman, but I am horrible on time management, and because I was too lazy or scared, I actually think scared is a better term. I always completed my personal assignments and hardly ever got her assignments done. I never planed my time properly.


Am I hurting, yes I am! Will I survive, Yes I will!!! Will I learn and grow, most definitely!!! Will I earn my place back as her slave, I really hope so and will not give up trying to improve myself, not for her, but to make myself a better person and slave!


So I will be writing, this journal every night, the same as if I was still writing it for my beautiful friend and former Mistress. It will be my thoughts, ideas, both good and bad, and some humor thrown in to boot.


So please join me on my journey as a slave and butterfly in transition!!! 

The Beginnings

From a Cocoon To a Butterfly.
On April 24, 1950 Alfred John was born into this world. He was the middle of three children, and was the only male born into the family. And even though he was named after his father, he would turn out to be nothing like him. Alfred lived for most of his life in the south end of Hartford, CT, which was predominantly an Italian neighborhood growing up. Ironically, the apartment he moved into when he retired on disability turned out to be his 6th grade classroom. However, as of October 2003, even though he was still legally alive, Alfred no longer existed to the world.


That may sound ominous, but as the story unfolds, the true meaning will come out. From the age of five, Alfred knew he was different. He could not understand it, but he knew something was not right. He truly believed, as he aged, that he was born deformed. Because of this he was ostracized by his family and friends. He also experienced much ridicule and discrimination and became very self-destructive. While he was in kindergarten, his teacher noticed his behavior and thought he was going through a phase. Alfred never played ball with the boys, electing to play by himself or with the girls. 


    His teacher called his parents and explained the situation to them. His mother laughed, but his father was another story. He threatened that if “you don’t stop acting like a girl, I will beat the girl out of you!!” Alfred wanted to make his father proud of him, so he started to stuff his feelings inside and not let them out. He played with the boys, but was not happy. By seventh grade, his grades were pretty good, but he hated being at home. He started staying out of the house as often as he could. And one of the places he would hide out was the movie houses, in downtown Hartford. 


  He would escape from reality into the fantasy world of the cinema. He imagined he was one on the lead characters in the movies he watched. Except instead of being the hero, he was always the heroine. In the “Sound of Music” he was Maria Von Trapp; in “Cleopatra” he was “Cleopatra; and in “Gone With The Wind” he was Scarlett O’Hara. The movies brought an even bigger problem into his life however. His parents told him he was wasting his time at the cinemas, and he should be out playing ball or studying his schoolwork. His dad repeatedly said “You are worthless and will never be a real man!!!” While his sisters got everything they wanted all he was ever given were put downs. He never got the love and attention that he truly desired. So he got it where he could get it, at the movies. He would let the men touch him and fondle him. Alfred didn’t know it was wrong, all he knew was he was getting the love he was looking for. For many years he would sneak out at night, telling his mom he was going to the library. While he was out he was out, he 
would walk the cruising area for men, and selling himself. He stopped this when he was old enough to get a part time job. But he was ashamed of what he had done. 


  After school and on weekends, he worked at the local drugstore and still managed to get good grades in school. He kept trying to make his dad happy, but only made himself more morose, and hated his body even more. He self medicated by stuffing himself with food. He blew up to over 300 lbs at the age of eighteen. This made him hate his body even more; especially down below, where it counted the most.  He continued to try and make his parents happy, and at the same time make something of himself. He applied to New Britain General Hospital School of Nursing. He knew he would be happy in the field of nursing, and he would make good money. And for the first time in a long time, he truly was, he was the only male in the class, and felt comfortable. He got good grades and did well on the hospital floor. 


  But then he went home for summer vacation, and his father realized what he was going to school for. “I told you would never amount to anything, you will never be a real man,” his father screamed at him. 
Alfred replied; “but dad, this will be a good job. Male nurses make a ton of money, and can pick and chose where they want to work.” 
“The only males who become nurses are queers, are you a queer?” 
“No dad, I am not, I just want to do something I like and I like this work” 
His father did not reply, he just stormed out of the house. So Alfred went out of his way to get his dad’s approval and when he went back to school, he let his grades slide and flunked out of the one thing he truly loved. His mom asked him, “Why did you purposely flunk out?” and he replied with a tear in his eye, “Because I wanted to make dad happy and not hate me for being such a girl!” 
  He had a hard time getting a job and ended up living back at home for a while. No one would hire him, saying he was too effeminate. That’s when his friend Eddie took him to a new bar that had just opened.  It was not a classy bar; it was basically an old warehouse that was converted into a bar. Thus the name of the club was “The Warehouse Café.” He instantly felt at home and became friends with the disc jockey, the bartenders and the manager. After the disc jockey taught he the ropes, he was offered a job as relief, to fill in when the regular disc jockey needed a night off or was sick. But he was hesitant to take the job. After all, this was a gay bar and that would really make his dad furious! His dad died on New Year’s Eve and Alfred did not feel either sadness or relief, but instead he felt nothing at all. He was so good at stuffing his feelings inside with food. He, at this time, was close to 400 ponds. He was finally free from his father’s control. He took the job at the bar, and became known to the bar crowd as “Fat Albert” whenever he was working. He was then asked to put together a Halloween party and host the evening. 


  That is where his alter ego came who was known as Michelle Craig, came into being. From the moment he stepped on stage, he was hooked. The real he was able to shine through! 


But then his mom found out about Michelle and the proverbial shit hit the fan. Being a disc jockey at a gay bar did not bother her, but the fact that he dressed as a woman really did. She screamed out at him, “Your dad was right, you will never be a real man; you are nothing but a pansy! I want you out by the time I get home from work.” He had no time to respond, as she slammed the door and ran out. He prayed and looked for guidance to decide what to do. He wanted to make his mom happy, but realized he needed to be happy as well. He got his answer when the bar closed its door less than a month later. 


  Again, he was out of a job, but not for very long. Thanks to a friend of his mothers, he was able to get a job as a 911 dispatcher for the Hartford Police Department. He liked the money, but hated working with the ignorant racist cops. They consistently passed him over for promotions and preferred shifts. So once again he walled up his feelings inside so no one would see them or know them. But they kept building up and he would have bouts of anger, which he took out on his co-workers and girlfriend. He saved the worst punishment for himself by binging and purging or cutting himself. 


  On February 21, 1997, his mom died at the age of seventy-two. This time it was a big loss, as he not only lost his mom, but his fiancée broke up with him on the morning of his mother’s funeral.  In the same week, he was also evicted from his apartment for being seen dressed as a female. He continued to suppress his emotions, until eight months later when everything exploded. He had the first of several nervous breakdowns. He lost his job at the police department, and after cleaning out his locker, left to drive home. Instead, he found himself at his friend Bruce’s home in Newington. Bruce asked him if he was all right? To which Alfred replied, “I don’t know, I don’t even remember driving here. Last I remember I was in front of the police Department.” It was at this point he realized he had a problem bigger than he imagined. Bruce made some phone calls and got him admitted to the Institute of Living. He was place on suicide watch and started receiving the treatment he needed. He spent four years in and out the hospital, undergoing in and out patient treatments, medication trial and errors, until they came up with the right regiment of medications. They also gave him a proper diagnosis, which enabled him to get on disability. His diagnosis was bi-polar depression, Post traumatic stress disorder, bulimia, but most importantly gender identity disorder. He finally knew that he was not imaging this all his life; he was technically born in the wrong body.


  In 2001, he started living full time as a woman and attending the day program at the Institute of Living and therapy at the Gender Identity Clinic of New England. He shortly after started on hormone therapy, receiving Estrogen and Testosterone blockers. But the major change was to come on October 24, 2003. He received his official letter of diagnosis from The Gender Identity Clinic officially diagnosing him as being a male to female pre-op transsexual. He immediately went to the Probate court and had his name officially changed. From there he journeyed to Social Security, the hall of records and Department of Motor Vehicles to make the name changes on all his documents. While at motor vehicles, he also had the small “m” on his license changed to an “f”. The transition was complete, as of 2:30 pm October 24, 2003; Alfred John Lombardi no longer existed. In his place was the person relaying this story to you, none other than me, Tasha Rose! A truly unique and happy female and I am happy to be the person that I am!