The Beginnings

From a Cocoon To a Butterfly.
On April 24, 1950 Alfred John was born into this world. He was the middle of three children, and was the only male born into the family. And even though he was named after his father, he would turn out to be nothing like him. Alfred lived for most of his life in the south end of Hartford, CT, which was predominantly an Italian neighborhood growing up. Ironically, the apartment he moved into when he retired on disability turned out to be his 6th grade classroom. However, as of October 2003, even though he was still legally alive, Alfred no longer existed to the world.


That may sound ominous, but as the story unfolds, the true meaning will come out. From the age of five, Alfred knew he was different. He could not understand it, but he knew something was not right. He truly believed, as he aged, that he was born deformed. Because of this he was ostracized by his family and friends. He also experienced much ridicule and discrimination and became very self-destructive. While he was in kindergarten, his teacher noticed his behavior and thought he was going through a phase. Alfred never played ball with the boys, electing to play by himself or with the girls. 


    His teacher called his parents and explained the situation to them. His mother laughed, but his father was another story. He threatened that if “you don’t stop acting like a girl, I will beat the girl out of you!!” Alfred wanted to make his father proud of him, so he started to stuff his feelings inside and not let them out. He played with the boys, but was not happy. By seventh grade, his grades were pretty good, but he hated being at home. He started staying out of the house as often as he could. And one of the places he would hide out was the movie houses, in downtown Hartford. 


  He would escape from reality into the fantasy world of the cinema. He imagined he was one on the lead characters in the movies he watched. Except instead of being the hero, he was always the heroine. In the “Sound of Music” he was Maria Von Trapp; in “Cleopatra” he was “Cleopatra; and in “Gone With The Wind” he was Scarlett O’Hara. The movies brought an even bigger problem into his life however. His parents told him he was wasting his time at the cinemas, and he should be out playing ball or studying his schoolwork. His dad repeatedly said “You are worthless and will never be a real man!!!” While his sisters got everything they wanted all he was ever given were put downs. He never got the love and attention that he truly desired. So he got it where he could get it, at the movies. He would let the men touch him and fondle him. Alfred didn’t know it was wrong, all he knew was he was getting the love he was looking for. For many years he would sneak out at night, telling his mom he was going to the library. While he was out he was out, he 
would walk the cruising area for men, and selling himself. He stopped this when he was old enough to get a part time job. But he was ashamed of what he had done. 


  After school and on weekends, he worked at the local drugstore and still managed to get good grades in school. He kept trying to make his dad happy, but only made himself more morose, and hated his body even more. He self medicated by stuffing himself with food. He blew up to over 300 lbs at the age of eighteen. This made him hate his body even more; especially down below, where it counted the most.  He continued to try and make his parents happy, and at the same time make something of himself. He applied to New Britain General Hospital School of Nursing. He knew he would be happy in the field of nursing, and he would make good money. And for the first time in a long time, he truly was, he was the only male in the class, and felt comfortable. He got good grades and did well on the hospital floor. 


  But then he went home for summer vacation, and his father realized what he was going to school for. “I told you would never amount to anything, you will never be a real man,” his father screamed at him. 
Alfred replied; “but dad, this will be a good job. Male nurses make a ton of money, and can pick and chose where they want to work.” 
“The only males who become nurses are queers, are you a queer?” 
“No dad, I am not, I just want to do something I like and I like this work” 
His father did not reply, he just stormed out of the house. So Alfred went out of his way to get his dad’s approval and when he went back to school, he let his grades slide and flunked out of the one thing he truly loved. His mom asked him, “Why did you purposely flunk out?” and he replied with a tear in his eye, “Because I wanted to make dad happy and not hate me for being such a girl!” 
  He had a hard time getting a job and ended up living back at home for a while. No one would hire him, saying he was too effeminate. That’s when his friend Eddie took him to a new bar that had just opened.  It was not a classy bar; it was basically an old warehouse that was converted into a bar. Thus the name of the club was “The Warehouse Café.” He instantly felt at home and became friends with the disc jockey, the bartenders and the manager. After the disc jockey taught he the ropes, he was offered a job as relief, to fill in when the regular disc jockey needed a night off or was sick. But he was hesitant to take the job. After all, this was a gay bar and that would really make his dad furious! His dad died on New Year’s Eve and Alfred did not feel either sadness or relief, but instead he felt nothing at all. He was so good at stuffing his feelings inside with food. He, at this time, was close to 400 ponds. He was finally free from his father’s control. He took the job at the bar, and became known to the bar crowd as “Fat Albert” whenever he was working. He was then asked to put together a Halloween party and host the evening. 


  That is where his alter ego came who was known as Michelle Craig, came into being. From the moment he stepped on stage, he was hooked. The real he was able to shine through! 


But then his mom found out about Michelle and the proverbial shit hit the fan. Being a disc jockey at a gay bar did not bother her, but the fact that he dressed as a woman really did. She screamed out at him, “Your dad was right, you will never be a real man; you are nothing but a pansy! I want you out by the time I get home from work.” He had no time to respond, as she slammed the door and ran out. He prayed and looked for guidance to decide what to do. He wanted to make his mom happy, but realized he needed to be happy as well. He got his answer when the bar closed its door less than a month later. 


  Again, he was out of a job, but not for very long. Thanks to a friend of his mothers, he was able to get a job as a 911 dispatcher for the Hartford Police Department. He liked the money, but hated working with the ignorant racist cops. They consistently passed him over for promotions and preferred shifts. So once again he walled up his feelings inside so no one would see them or know them. But they kept building up and he would have bouts of anger, which he took out on his co-workers and girlfriend. He saved the worst punishment for himself by binging and purging or cutting himself. 


  On February 21, 1997, his mom died at the age of seventy-two. This time it was a big loss, as he not only lost his mom, but his fiancée broke up with him on the morning of his mother’s funeral.  In the same week, he was also evicted from his apartment for being seen dressed as a female. He continued to suppress his emotions, until eight months later when everything exploded. He had the first of several nervous breakdowns. He lost his job at the police department, and after cleaning out his locker, left to drive home. Instead, he found himself at his friend Bruce’s home in Newington. Bruce asked him if he was all right? To which Alfred replied, “I don’t know, I don’t even remember driving here. Last I remember I was in front of the police Department.” It was at this point he realized he had a problem bigger than he imagined. Bruce made some phone calls and got him admitted to the Institute of Living. He was place on suicide watch and started receiving the treatment he needed. He spent four years in and out the hospital, undergoing in and out patient treatments, medication trial and errors, until they came up with the right regiment of medications. They also gave him a proper diagnosis, which enabled him to get on disability. His diagnosis was bi-polar depression, Post traumatic stress disorder, bulimia, but most importantly gender identity disorder. He finally knew that he was not imaging this all his life; he was technically born in the wrong body.


  In 2001, he started living full time as a woman and attending the day program at the Institute of Living and therapy at the Gender Identity Clinic of New England. He shortly after started on hormone therapy, receiving Estrogen and Testosterone blockers. But the major change was to come on October 24, 2003. He received his official letter of diagnosis from The Gender Identity Clinic officially diagnosing him as being a male to female pre-op transsexual. He immediately went to the Probate court and had his name officially changed. From there he journeyed to Social Security, the hall of records and Department of Motor Vehicles to make the name changes on all his documents. While at motor vehicles, he also had the small “m” on his license changed to an “f”. The transition was complete, as of 2:30 pm October 24, 2003; Alfred John Lombardi no longer existed. In his place was the person relaying this story to you, none other than me, Tasha Rose! A truly unique and happy female and I am happy to be the person that I am!