My Depression

I don't know why, but for the last three to four weeks, my depression really has gotten the best of me. And it is bothering me that i give into it. I have been doing so good for years, and now all of a sudden, bang right in the head! For the record, I am bi-polar with anxiety disorder and PTSD.

The problem is not when I am around people, when I am out and with people I am great. But when i am home alone. I start to isolate and don't want to do anything except read and sleep. TV even bores me! And I don't want to start isolating again, it is the worse thing I can do. i am hoping the change in meds will help, just got changed today, but it worries me.

I need to learn how to force myself to do things. Force myself to get out of the house and not isolate! To not let my inner thoughts control me! This is the first thing I have written in over two weeks. I love writing, but just can't bring myself to do it.

But I am not a quitter, I am strong, and I will not let this win over me! I will survive! Just please friends, bare with me.

June 28, 2012

Well, I am on my regular schedule. This is my journal for Thursday. It was a pretty quiet day, but I did get some cleaning and reading accomplished. So I am happy with myself!!! Started tearing apart my living room bookcases and desk drawers to sort out and decide what I need to save and what i can throw out.
I am keeping everything from school, texts, papers, records, etc in one of the book cases. All my reading and computer stuff on the computer desk. Since my desktop no longer works, I am going to dismantle it and hook up my old commodore 128d. Yeah, I know I am a geek! But I still have so much software and it was so much fun!!! And I know I can get more! Hopefully I will find my favorite C128 game. Leather Goddess of Phobos! The first BDSM computer game ever, and I think the last! Commodore was so open minded!! 
I also got a lot of reading done, as I read the entire first book in the Hunger games series and started on the the first of the "50 shades of grey" series. 
But for now I am off to bed, need rest for Saturday night. I am so scared about Saturday, it is my 40th high school reunion, actually my 42nd. But they are calling it the 40th. It is my only one I ever attended, as a male or a female. So I am very nervous about how my "transition" is going to be accepted. Will I be accepted or will I be shunned and made fun of. I am so scared!!!
So I need sleep. Be back tomorrow night, live from the society!

Angels or devils

Angels or Devils (based on characters from a movie and an memoir)


Which are we meant to be? Was Batman and the Joker born into good or evil, or did their environment and upbringing make them that way. Some theorists say that we are born one way of another, and nothing will change you. While others say we are born with inherent qualities of both, and our upbringing ultimately makes us who we are.
A third theory is a combination of birth (nature,) environment and upbringing, (nurture,) and personal choice. From everything I have read, and my own experience in life, I tend to agree with this train of thought. By looking at characters from the film “City of God”, and the memoir “Child of the Dark,” we can examine this last theory.  Let’s look at some of the main characters from the two; Lil Ze, Rocket, and Carolina. All three were born into the same type of neighborhood of Brazil, the favela.  We do not see or learn much about their parents, but can only assume they grew up in the same environment or neighborhood. They all faced the same hardships, and environment. The main difference between them was the final outcome of their lives. Lil Ze turned out to be pure evil incarnate, whereas Rocket and Carolina were able to rise about their environment and move on to a better life.


Lil Ze began his plunge into the dark side when he hung with a trio of gangsters. He advises the trio on how to make more money, and pretty much seals his fate by riding along with them on that fateful night. When he commits his first murder and uses a gun for the first time, the devil within him is released and there is no turning back. He seems to have an innately born thug mentality, that he cannot ignore, nor does he choose to. He sees what he wants and he takes it. For example, he is attracted to a beautiful girl. When she ignores his advances, he embarrasses her boyfriend and almost kills him. His passion was discovered when he picks up a gun and kills for the very first time. As for motivation, Lil Ze is motivated purely by power, pure and simple. He wanted to be in total control, no matter what it took. He tried taking control, the only way he knew how, by killing off his completion, one at a time. In the end he ended up being dealt with the same way he dealt with his enemies. 
Rocket began his journey as the brother of one of the trio that Lil Ze befriended. However, thanks to his brother, he has drive and ambition, which he follows rather than traveling down his brother’s path. Unlike Lil Ze, who has a passion for guns and violence, Rocket discovers his passion when he is given a camera. This gift changes his life for the better. Lil Ze even notices his passion when his pictures are published in the paper. He then tries to use him to help promote him and his gang. Rocket had many opportunities to turn to the dark side, like when he almost robbed the restaurant or the man who gave him a ride. But he stayed on the straight and narrow.  His motivations were twofold, besides survival, he wanted to lift himself out of the favela. This was the exact opposite of Lil Ze, who wanted to control and have power over the favela. He was also motivated by fear, the fear of being shot like his brother, as well as the fear of ending up a poor fisherman, like his father.


Carolina started out in the same type favela, but maybe because of her age, went down a totally different path. Of the three, she is the one I have the most respect for. I also see a lot of her in me and my life. Carolina could have travelled down the same path as a lot of the women in her town, but she chose not to. She did what she had to do with selling herself or being with a man she did not love. She also had a powerful passion, the passion for writing. She used it to get a temporary escape from her environment and a relief from her stressful existence. In a way her passion for writing kept her sane. But she had the strongest motivation of all of them….her children and her love for them. Everything she did, she did for them. All of her choices and decisions were made with them in mind. They were her entire motivation for living. 


This brings us back to the beginning question, were we born angels or demons, good or evil. Does our environment make us who we are, or do we choose our own destiny. We have three separate characters, all from the same environment, but all three have different outcomes in life. Which makes me wonder if there is a correct answer to the question of nature vs. nurture? Or is it a mixture all nature, nurture and personal choice. Like Anakin, Lil Ze chooses the path towards the dark side, and became the favela version of Darth Vader; whereas Rocket and Carolina moved in the opposite direction and lifted their lives out of the gutter.  


So choice does make a big part in how we turn out, I am a good example of this. I almost went down the same road as Lil Ze; I got involved with drugs and prostitution and almost ended up dead like him.  But a very rude awakening shocked me out of it and forced me to make a big decision turned my life in the direction of Carolina. This is the reason I have so much respect for her, as she reminds me so much of myself.  Like her, my passion has turned out to be writing, and my motivation is to help others get the help, I could not get when I needed it.

The best of times, the worst of times!

Well, to quote Dickens, this weekend was "the best of times and the worse of times!" I was hoping to make it to the Society before the rain came down, as it was supposed to come down real hard. And it did, two really bad thunderstorms!!! Fortunately I did not have to take the bus, as my friend called and gave me a ride to the Society. We left after the two rain storms, and it was sunny and warm when we got there. I unlocked the door, walked down the hallway to turn off the alarm and as I did, I found myself ankle deep in water. I flipped on the lights and freaked out, 90% of the space was covered in at least one to two inches of watch!


I walked over to the landlord, he had already left! So I called one of the board members, and let him know what was going on. I then posted on Fet that we needed help getting the space cleaned up and dried, so we could open. I was really happy, when we had over twenty people show up between Friday night and Saturday during the day! By 7pm Saturday the space was in good enough shape to open and it turned out to be a fun exciting night!


It was one of my best friend's birthday and I made sure she had the best birthday she could have! She was very happy when she left, and I was happy for her! She is a good friend, whom I love and will always be there for.


Sunday, was my picnic for MAsT:Hartford, and we had a good turnout and a lot of fun and good food! I am so glad I started the group, and even happier that I have a friend in my co-facilitator to help run it.!


I also think I found someone to share a room with for Floating World! I hope my new friend subgirl, gets to come to FW with me, we will have lots of fun!!! It will be strange without LP, but I am still going to have a great time!!!


So Yesterday was spend cleaning my living room and kitchen and tomorrow I will start on closets and drawers. Lots of stuff to sort out and throw out. Real nervous about doing it. I hate throwing things out, I really do!!


But I have to!! Or I will never get my Mistress back, nor will I improve my life, which is more important than getting back my Mistress. If I do not love myself and care for myself, nobody else will. 


So for now, I am off to cook supper, will be back tomorrow. And I will have another short story for you!

Marie's Birthday Part Deux

Part Two
I lie back on the bed, and closed my eyes.  I began to cry, cry so hard that my body was shaking. My Mistress scared me, as I had never seen her that angry before.  The sad part was that I could not fathom why! What did I do wrong? And why don’t I remember what happened the night before. It is not that the entire night was a blank, as part of the evening was still in my mind. My best friend Kat offered to take me out for dinner and a drink. Mistress gave me permission, with the understanding that it was to be a “vanilla” evening only, that I was not allowed to play. She also reminded me that I was still on orgasm restriction. As long as I understood all of this, I could go out and enjoy a birthday celebration with my friends.
As I lie there trying to remember, I began to doze off. Thank God, I did not go into a deep sleep, as I heard my cell phone ring with Mistresses ringtone. I picked it up as it rang for the third time, and heard “I said, by the second ring, do you understand English Slut? Or do I have to beat it into you with the paddle you love so much!” From the sarcasm in her voice, automatically I knew she was talking about the leather paddle with the metal spikes. It also emitted electric shocks when she pressed the red button on the side. When Mistress collared me, four years ago, she was kind enough to allow me to pick one of her toys that would not be used on me. That is unless I was being punished. I quickly answered, “No Mistress, Please don’t I promise to answer faster next time!
“We shall see my slut, we shall see! In the meantime, have you remembered what you did to make me so angry?”
“I am sorry Mistress, But I have not, although I am racking my brain trying to figure it out, honest.”
“If you can remember anything, you will be allowed some supper. If not, you will go to sleep hungry! Can you tell me anything about last night?”
“The last thing I remember Mistress, is going out to Umi’s with Kat for dinner. It was her, Julie, and a friend of Julie’s. I cannot remember her name. We sat at the bar with the conveyor belt and ordered a bottle of Sake. The sushi was extraordinary, and we were having good conversation learning about Julie’s new job. Julie suggested we stick around for the Karaoke night that the restaurant had started. Sounded like fun, and we ordered another bottle of sake.”
The last thing I remember is getting up and singing Cher’s song Believe. As I sat down, Kat suggested that we head over to the Gold club and see some dancers. After we got there, I don’t remember much else other than ordering a Bombay Sapphire martini. The rest of the night is a complete blank Mistress.
That is a good start my slut! I will have Ginger bring you in some supper and then get some sleep and try to remember some more about last night. I will call you again in the morning. And be advised, if you do not answer by the second ring, I will hang up and when I see you next, you will get two whacks from your favorite paddle. Now eat and then get some sleep!
Then the phone went dead, and the door opened and Ginger came in and placed a tray in front of me and left. I was not hungry, but forced myself to eat anyways. I fell back on the bed and instantly fell asleep.

To be continued!

First of of daily writings!

Well, Yesterday was the first day of my new schedule, and I already messed up! Of my assignments for yesterday, I got nearly all of them done, except writing my daily journal. But I did get cleaning done! But was so tired afterwards, I fell right to sleep. I do feel good about beginning to work on the apartment. It needs a complete overhaul. It is going to take a while, but I am not going to give up until the whole place is in tip top shape! I am going to stop hiding behind the clutter and make this an apartment I am proud to bring people to! One that won't make me depressed to come home to!

Today, however, I am unable to get any cleaning done, My air conditioning is not working properly, and it is like 110 in here. I have already taken 6 showers since I got up this morning! For some reason, it keeps freezing up! Will have a friend look at it, can't afford a new one so hope this is fixable!!

So I am tired, hot and cranky, so what can I do? I know I am going to kill zombies on Left4Dead 2! I will be back later with a new story to post.

Oh yeah, the good news, My school published it's dean's list today! I am on it!!! I am so proud of the work I am doing! I am happy at my school, going there is the best thing I could ever do!

So until tonite! Have a great day!!!

Marie's 33rd Birthday

As Marie woke up, all nice and comfy under her large burgundy quilt made of silk, she sensed something was not right. However, she could not place her finger on exactly what it was. She opened her eyes, and looked around, nothing seemed to be amiss. Everything was in its proper place, or was it. Marie had other things on her mind, however, as she went to get out of bed and head to the bathroom. She had been out late the night before, the beginning of her birthday weekend. She had a lot to drink, and her bladder was super full and needed release. As she threw off her covers and stepped out of the bed, she again sensed something was wrong! No further than ten steps away from the bed, something tightened on her ankles pulling her legs from under her beautiful athletic body causing her to fall forward smashing her head into a metal commode that was sitting near the side of her bed. Intense pain flooded her head and ankles; she didn’t know what hurt more. WTF was happening? Where did the commode come from, it was not there last night! But then again, she did not remember much from the night before, at least not much after her dinner with her friend Joy.


Her cell phone rang, and she saw it was joy, She answered and quickly snapped “WTF do you want?” When her friend responded, she realized it was not her, especially after she heard the words “Morning Slut, I hope you slept well, because you have a long hard weekend ahead of you.” Marie stood up and her angry mood quickly changed from one of anger to one of complete submission, submission to a woman she truly loved. She put the phone close to her ears and said “Good Morning Mistress?”


“Don’t Good morning me, because I am fucking displeased with you!?


Marie tried to think about what she had done to make Mistress this unhappy, but could not think of anything. She asked, “what did I do wrong Mistress, please tell me? “The phone was silent, so she repeated the questions. But as she did, she was briskly cut off, and she heard her Mistress’s voice saying “well I was planning on taking you out today, to do some shopping and have dinner at your favorite restaurant in honor of your 33rd birthday. But seeing as you don’t even know why I am upset, you will spend some time in your room thinking about what you did wrong, when you figure it out; we will work out a suitable punishment. Oh, and you will do nothing turning this time but think! No Tv, radio, laptop or internet. The only phone calls you will take are from me, and when I call you better answer within two rings, IS THAT CLEAR MY SLUT!”


I lowered my voice and answered “As you wish Mistress” As I responded, fear took over my thoughts, “what if a fire broke out or something happened, I would be alone and chained to my bed.” But Mistress responded to these thoughts before I could express them. “Don’t worry slut, you will not be alone, I have someone in the living room watching you on a camera I placed there last night.


Now rest, and think, and I will call you back in two hours. And think long and hard because when I call, I want some answers and I hope you realize what you did to make me this unhappy!” The phone went dead, and I was alone in bed with my thoughts.


To Be Continued.